Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Ignorance Is Not Bliss...

No Child
As far back as I can remember, thanks to the belief of a couple of Doctors, that because of the genetic neuromuscular disorder I had been born with,  having a child, would never be an option. Apparently pregnancy for me, would be fatal. Meaning, if I ever were to be found with child, it was a given, that I would require an abortion.
At the time, due to ignorance on my part, the term abortion evoked no emotional response whatsoever. As far as I understood and accepted, was that it was a simple medical method of terminating a pregnancy, comparable to any of the surgical procedures I had been undergoing. Needless to say, we just didn't dig any deeper, perhaps it was the idea the ignorance is bliss. In the 1970s - early 1980s, in our family anyway, the Physician's word was law, never to be questioned. Mere civilians were incapable of knowing anything. Remember the world wide web was non-existent at this point. 
Admitted to our local hospital's pediatric wing, for a minor back operation. Sparing the sordid details, the bottom line, a young man that was admitted as well, within hours, began making inappropriate advances toward me, like no boy ever did before. Day by day escalating the level of his offensive behaviour, from kissing me to so on and so forth. Proclaiming he was going to "teach" me things. Naive, awkward and afraid, I reluctantly complied. It was actually as if he and I both know I had no say in the matter. Difficult to understand, unless you knew the details of my emotional and mental state. To say I was an insecure, affection, love starved young girl would be an understatement. Something stirred inside me, no matter how young I was, when I was shown any kind of attention or affection by a male, no matter how twisted or unacceptable it was. It really was a given to me, that saying no to anyone was just never an option. (That even was applied to other family members and friends I loved as well - talk about that in the next post.) Saying no, having choices was not something I knew about back then. Yes, I had been verbally and emotionally bullied in school and in other places, by people I loved and believed I could trust, as early as I can remember. Even then as sad and afraid as I was, to report it to my parents, just wasn't an option. Innately, it was a given, that I must have deserved whatever it was. I don't say this to seek pit or anything, I just want to say the truth as it was. And again to help anyone else out there, who may have been under similar lies. Not until grade four or five, did I begin telling my Mom about the bullies. But, it didn't change the fact that I did believe I must deserve this. I only told her because I was so scared, I wanted someone to stop it. She tried, God bless her, but she couldn't stop it.
It is this mentality that may help myself and any one who cares, to understand why at fourteen, I had submitted to being used in some young man's game. By the end of my week's stay in the hospital, there I was, fourteen, and based on what I thought he did to me, thought I could be pregnant. Had such a thing happened today, criminal charges would have been laid against him.
In my case, I admit the "creeps," I encountered, seemed to have a form of radar, able to sense the desperateness for love and attention that oozed off of my person.
No one saw what happened as anyone else's fault but my own, including myself. Thanks be to God, through a friend more than a decade later, I would be informed that I had been a victim of abuse and exploitation. (yes, I still struggle with believing it wasn't all my fault.) Not just at this time but other accounts as well prior and after this particular "incident." I still struggle with these acts as not being my own fault. The hows and why's aren't relevant to the point of why I am sharing this story, but I do want to say that only up until my thirties, I had believed the lie, that any male who paid any attention to me, must mean they actually liked or wanted me (not meaning sexually), that they could be the one I am to marry. And as recent as five years ago, I also learned that, for most of my life (I am fourty-six now), when it came to anyone I care about, to say no, or oppose, anyone regarding anything, including abusive behaviour of all kinds, would result in rejection. A lesson, I apparently on a subconscious level from cause and effect, from first hand experience learned at a very wee age. A stronghold like that, can only be torn down by the Truth of God and through true friends with insight. I am so thankful for the ongoing work, He is always doing in my life. It is the very reason I am able to share these stories, hoping to help even one person by testifying that after countless attempts on my own, only the finished work of Jesus Christ can heal our hearts and set us free. As well as fill the chasm in all of our hearts longing for love and acceptance. There is hope for all. Only that unseen enemy, will tempt us to believe the shame and guilt that often can rear it's lying head - no matter how many times you have received God's forgiveness. Those lies are a normal part of that spiritual battle that wages war. To tear us down, weaken and render us ineffective using lies and whispers into our hearts. That includes the use of family members and other who we often believed we trusted. On that note, back to the point of this post.
(See how there are so many incredible events in our lives that can be talked about, to testify to God's unfailing love and the declaration of our Sure Hope!)
Mom, Dad...
Back to the story. Terrified of telling my parents that I might be pregnant and what they would think of me, it took a week to get it out. In fact, the night I couldn't hold back any more, all I could do was sob and repeat over and over through my tears, shame, guilt and fear...was,"It's the worst thing in the world, it's the worst thing in the world..." I wasn't able to spit it out, oddly enough, my insightful Mom guessed right away and then my Dad seemed to know as well. There was no yelling, basically, just a matter of fact response about "it takes two" and that if I was pregnant, I would have to have an abortion. Hearing the word abortion still evoked no emotion. The understanding that it would save my life, made it a non-issue, I suppose. Thankfully, due what I believe was God's intervention that week, the thing I thought happened, didn't and I was not in need of an abortion.
Ignorance Is Not Bliss
The nonchalant attitude about abortion then, was based on sheer ignorance and false assumptions, and that if it was to save my, then that was the justification, regardless of what the truth of abortion really was. In spite all that happened, my young life was in a downward moral spiral, and it was a very real possibility that sooner or later, I could very well end up aborting a child.
Please note that during these days, I had not been living for Jesus and was terrified of death, and in search for the meaning of life. If you have read in any previous posts, due to the neuromuscular disorder that meant no babies, I was also apparently to die at the age of twenty. Turned our, that was due to a false diagnosis and then a mis-understanding I wouldn't know about until I was about twenty three. Another contributing factor to my unstable emotional state.
Needless to say, what happened next, proves beyond doubt, that God's protective Hand so obvious, I am thankful to see it now. When we don't care about Him, He still loves us so much, He often protect us. Reflecting back, there are numerous times when things could have turned out so much worse, but certain factors, altered the scenarios that "could have been."
The Light Bulb Moment
 About six months after this scare, now fifteen, while working at my first summer job, in another hospital, I just happened to "stumble" upon a small paper back book, just lying on the library table. The topic just happened to be all about the cold hard facts of abortion, containing story after story from medical personnel, detailing the different methods they used to kill the babies. They also detailed about how they often had to take further action to kill the lives that didn't succumb to the murder attempt. The most impacting content, were the full colour, no holds barred, explicit  graphic photos, images of baby after baby, literally cut up in parts or in whole, dead. In some cases trash cans, loaded with infant remains. The reality was unavoidable, to this day, I can not look at any of those images. It was what sparked the last post about the "New Abortion Caravan" concerns.
This is to affirm that yes, there is a time and place for the use of graphic, gory images, to help spread the truth, that to abort is to murder. In my case, it was needed and God made sure I found this book. I can say beyond a doubt, that had I not and based on my emotional state, I would have easily ended up pregnant sooner or later. From that moment forward, my life changed and I would never put myself in a position like that again.
Zero Chances...
Needless to say, once I knew the truth about abortion, not even my fear of rejection, would permit me to let any male get “that far.” Well, that was until I could be what I thought was 100% protected from pregnancy. Desperate to find the "one" true love and feeling it was not helpful to say no, at the age of sixteen I convinced my parents and Doctor to permit me to have a tubal ligation, lying about my reasons of course. To me at the time, no other form of birth control would protect me, not even oral contraceptives. Needless to say, those I lied to, believed me, I had it done. It was actually the most painful procedure I ever had. Sadly, it was now as if I had license to do whatever I believed I needed to do to win the favour of a man,  my immoral behavior escalated and debauchery flooded my life. Loneliness, fear and sadness pervaded and looking for love in all the wrong places, left me with guilt, shame, and a bad reputation. It would be about five years or so before God's love shone so bright, I finally surrendered my all over to Jesus Christ, along with His forgiveness, cleaning and healing. He saved my life, beyond any doubt. Boys weren't the only threat in my life...
Sharing The Truth Matters
Pass It On ...
It is so important that all citizens old enough to reproduce, should be made aware of the truth about abortion. Not to mention hearing the stories about those who have survived these murder attempts. Countless young women are like I was, I am not alone. Abortions have been performed on women who have not completely understood just what it all meant. And so many who have not been shown by their Doctor when asked, "what does my baby look like at this stage in the womb?" and so on, thus resulting in abortions done to naive, ignorant females. I know a woman who told me her heart broken story, that she didn't know abortion was murder until her dead child exited her body. At that moment she knew and could do nothing.  By then it was too late. To this day, she carries the guilt of that action because she refuses to surrender her life the Only One Who can save and forgive her.
Then there are the males who adamantly declare it is a woman's right to choose what happens to her body. Countless of them believe they are being liberal and supportive, again, no real knowledge of what really happens and what can happen.
All of us who know abortion is murder, spread the information. Not trying horrify children as this recent "Caravan" seems to be doing. But to the ones the truth will help. Save our children.
Useful Links
Click the Names to go to each site.
Former Abortionists Speak out
Abortion Methods 
Campaign Life Coalition
Facts About Fetal Development
Abortion Facts
Gianna Jessen Abortion Survivor
Abortion Survivor Stories
Warning Very Graphic Videos of Abortions  (We can't even watch-but it may be the "book" I once needed to see the truth)

Some abortion Statistics: Approximately 42 MILLION babies are aborted/murdered each year worldwide and about 114, 000 per day!  Click here for more details